sharpen me.

"I am a dull knife that never gets used because I am not sharp enough to cut through the core." 

The Lord chooses us to become great warriors in the battle against the enemy.  We obviously didn't do it alone.  We know that David wouldn't have concurred the giant without the Lord.  I like to think of the world as my giant.  My giant is all the things that I am afraid of and all the things that I am not. For instance, I am not someone who has the best or any confidence what so ever.  I hide from everything and sometimes everyone.  It might look like I have it all together but the truth is that I am just a regular human being who continually struggles with insecurities.  These insecurities haunt me each and everyday.  I know I was chained by my insecurities and set free by HIS LOVE! Just because I am set free doesn't mean that these insecurities disappear from my life. I today am still struggling with things that I had before I began walking with the Lord.  At the end of the day the Lord is the only one who sticks around and doesn't leave because of who I am.  He forgives. He LOVES. He gives us a new LIFE.  At the end of the that is all that matters.

Sorry...got a little distracted. And if this blog doesn't make any sense to you I am sorry, just know that the Lord loves you and there is nothing you can do about it.

Anyways....
Sometimes I feel like a dull knife that is placed in a dark drawer that never gets used.  Sometimes I feel un-used by the Lord even though I know that he is using me in ways sometimes I can't see.  This week I am asking the Lord to sharpen me.  Sharpen me to become a better tool for the kingdom.  I am tired of feeling dull.  I want to be sharp so I can thrive in and for the Lord.

This verse speaks truth and I find the more I pray the more patient I become.

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be CONSTANT in prayer." ~ Romans 12:12

where do I go from here?

Well where to begin.  It has been two years since my last blog post. Where to begin...

I am now a graduate from Northern Arizona University with a Bachelor's degree in Elementary Education.  I am currently trying to pass my certification tests to be able to teach in the state of Arizona. I have this thing called test anxiety. Basically, I am not a test taker.

So what are going to do now? or Do you have a job?  The question that makes me CRINGE!!  I hate being asked about the future or my future.  I am 23 years old and I am being judged for not having a job or having my certification tests done. When people ask me about it I can see how they are judging me and thinking well she is just so lazy and stupid.  Now people may not think that but to someone who doesn't feel the best about there life at the moment the look you are giving me makes me want to punch you in the face.  Sorry if this offends anyone but your face really does say it all.   (Im sorry I went on a RANT!) To be honest I have no idea what the future holds.  Only the Lord knows what is going to happen. Right now I am working a part-time job and I hope to start substitute teaching within the next couple of weeks.

I am at this stage in my life where I am learning how to be a "REAL" grown up.  I thought I would graduate college get offered and have my certification test taken and passed.  But unfortunately that is not how my story turns out.

I have a lot of dreams. My dream would be to pass these certification tests and get offered a job at a good school with awesome kids.  I have a lot of dreams.  Dreams to be an awesome teacher, be a part of a church that makes me feel home, love the Lord and grow even deeper with Him, to find someone, etc. There are so many dreams I could go on and on about them.  And sometimes our dreams are just dreams and will not become reality.  I hope that some of my list of dreams will come true.

For now I am just being patient until the Lord tells me what it is he wants me to do!

"As soon as Babylon's seventy years are up and not a day before, I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I am doing I have it all planned out--plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." 
                                                         --Jeremiah 29:10-11 (The Message)

growth.

Over the past year I have become this new person.  I am continually growing as a person but also in my relationship with Christ! It has been one big roller coaster and I am continually on the ride.  I did not realize how much I had grown in the past year until someone told me.

I got the chance to volunteer for a month at Lost Canyon's Young Life Camp.  It was just a great experience! I have met and built great relationships with some awesome people.  While I was there I asked myself what am I here for? I still don't even know how to answer this question.  But all I can think about is how I have grown in the past year and maybe God just wants me to see how much I have grown in my walk with Him.

I used to be this shy girl who didn't want to show the world who she really was.  Holding myself back from things that made me happy.  I was this person stuck in this stereotypical world, where I was too afraid to show who I really was.  To sum it all up I was insecure and afraid that the world would reject me.  Well, more afraid of rejection was that haunting insecurity. Don't get me wrong even now that I have grown more into myself and in Christ does not mean that I am not afraid of rejection.  It just means that I have the love of Christ to get me through the rejection to see something more beautiful from it.

I am tired of living in the fear of rejection.  We don't need rejection in our lives.  We need Jesus to help us through the devastating rejection. Because someone once told me that in rejection you can find beauty.  Which now come to realize it, that the saying I once was told is so true. God makes us whole, he fills us up, and he loves us so much that we don't dwell in the rejection.

"As you come to him, the living Stone rejected by humans but chosen by God and precious to him."
1 Peter 2:4

I am 21 years old and I'm still learning things from God and things about myself.  Growth gives us power to overcome the enemy and stay constant with God.  I never used to pray out loud, I never used to tell people that I can sing, I never told people I could play the guitar, and I never let people see the real me.  I found confidence in him to become the woman I am today.  God has a plan for each and everyone of us.  I'm not exactly sure what it is He wants to do with me yet, but I know He is not finished with me yet.

Beauty.

Being a part of this earth, we get the chance to experience the beauty that is all around us.  We get to experience the beauty of colors when the leaves change in the fall, the first untouched snow of winter, the fresh smell of flowers in the spring, and the sun-kissed skin in the summer.  Sometimes we forget to see the beauty of things in certain situations.  I recently have realized that I need to stop thinking of the future and focus on the present.  If we focus more on the future we don't get to enjoy the life we have right now. 

As a girl it is hard to see the beauty of yourself when the media shows us how we should look.  I for one am not a model and never plan to be one.  I am not a stick thin young woman with perfect curly hair, blue eyes, a white smile, and a good face complexion.  I am the woman God made me to be.  There are times when I don't feel the beauty I should feel, but hey that's when I know I need to be like, "Yo, God can you show me your beauty today and not let me dwell in mine?" It makes my view of the world a lot more easier to know that God created me the way he wanted.  I know that have to see and enjoy the beauty he has made in me.

I believe seeing God's beauty is just as important as seeing your own.  I believe seeing the beauty in yourself makes you a more confident woman. 

"Let the king be enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your Lord." Psalm 45:11    

Learning to trust Him.

Trust is not just a five letter word it's much more.  It takes everything.  Our whole life is about trusting others.  So why not trust in God? Hmmm, it sounds scary, but is it worth it in the end? I think YES!

Trusting God is a very difficult task because we have no idea how it is going to turn out.  But I kind of think that't the fun part.  God likes to be tricky, he likes to put us in situations where we might not think we can trust him.  When we are doubting God's ability to do his work we are letting the enemy get to us.  The enemy with not solve your problems, he makes them.

We need to be strong with out trust in God.  No matter what life throws in our way we cannot lose our faith in God.  God IS and continues to take care if us because he loves us so so much!

I know I have had many situations where I had no idea what was going to happen and I just had to say to myself, "Gods got it all under control!" You might think trusting God with your problems is too much but that is what he wants us to do.  By trusting him you begin to see how he works in you and the people around you.  I trust in my heavenly Papa every day, yes some days are difficult but at the end of the day I know he will always be there for me no matter what.

Psalm 62:8
"Trust in him at all times, you people; pout out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."

So I ask you do you trust God? If not what is holding you back?

And the adventure begins....

I woke up today knowing that Jesus has my heart and that I live for him and no one else.  For christmas my parents got me this book, "Lady in Waiting."  I knew I had to wait for Mr. Right but does anyone really know how to wait for him? I did not know what to expect when going into reading this book.  I found out that I was a little nervous like what if I fail or what if I can't be this woman God wants me to be.  I prayed about it and realized how that was the enemy trying to get at me and stop me from pursuing the Lord.  We need to pursue the Lord before we pursue anyone else.

My walk with Jesus changes everyday.  I think that its a good thing for change.  For a long time I did not like change and was shy with my relationship with Christ.  As I start this new year I want to be more open to the people around me with my relationship with this wonderful man.

I want to hold myself accountable of being more confident, loving, and PATIENT with and in the Lord. This blog is going to be difficult for me because I don't just open up my relationship with Christ to everyone. But like I said it's a new year and a new me!

I started reading a devotional on becoming a confident woman of Christ.  (I am reading multiple books right now).  Today's reading was about not being afraid of stepping out of the boat and walking on water with Jesus.  I can not be afraid of this new journey I have started.  I have to trust God and know that he is going to make something beautiful out of this journey. So if you are reading this and thinking this doesn't make sense, bare with me I am knew to blogging and being so open to you.  I hope that you can start your own journey with Christ in whatever it may be to take a new leap of faith in your walk with Christ.

Happy New Year!!!